Gratitude Isn’t Just a Feeling—It’s a Practice

I used to be a gratitude journal hater and I know many people who still are. I didn’t understand how going through a list of things I “should” be grateful for was helpful and on the days where I drew a total blank, I felt like a horrible human. It was not a helpful exercise for me — until I began to practice mindfulness.

This isn’t a blog about mindfulness, so I’ll spare you those details, but one of the benefits of mindfulness is that it allows us to choose our focus. This means that rather than allowing my brain’s attention to wander and be grabbed by whatever comes its way, I can decide to focus on the book I’m reading or what I see around me as I walk. This also means we can choose to focus on things we enjoy, find interesting or awe inspiring instead of the things that worry, concern or bother us. Those negative things are actually considered distractions once we’ve decided our focus is on positive things. This may seem like a simple or obvious concept, but as someone who grew up learning how to spot the negative at Disney Land, this was a bit of a revelation. 

Once I made the choice to spend a couple of minutes every day actively looking for the positive in my life, it was a bit of a game changer. Spoiler alert: that couple of minutes started bleeding out into my everyday life and I began noticing positives when I wasn’t intentionally practicing mindfulness. I often joked with my clients that I could be in the running for the title of Negativity Queen. Yet, mindfulness had me questioning whether I have to give up my crown.

When I meet clients who also excel in the art of negativity, I validate their skill and then get curious. I ask them to consider what life would be like if they shifted our focus a little. I ask if they are willing to try something new that won’t change the amount of negativity in our world or their orbit, but will show them the dialectic that two opposing things can be true at the same time. The world can be heavy and soft. It can be ugly and beautiful. It can be depressing and absolutely hopeful and inspiring. All of that exists. We just need to train our brains to look for the other side as much as we’ve trained it to see and focus on the negative.

Are you ready for an experiment? I dare you.

Think about something that was “good” today. If you need to replace that word with “cool”, ”interesting”, ”special” or ”out of the ordinary”, do it. Maybe it helps to ask yourself, “what was the highlight of my day?”. You’re allowed to think of more than 1 thing too, but start small and keep it simple. We don’t need high expectations when we are creating a new habit and neural pathway.

Be specific. This is key. While any gratitude is better than no gratitude when it comes to shifting our mindset, research shows dopamine and serotonin (our feel-good neurotransmitters) are released when we are specific about our gratitude. Saying “I appreciate my family,” is less specific and impactful than saying, “I appreciated how my kid set the table.” Saying, “I’m grateful for the lovely fall weather”, is less specific and impactful than saying, “I’m grateful for the walk I took today wearing just a hoodie. I noticed the lovely weather made the walk easier to enjoy.” As we recall the details of a situation we enjoyed or appreciated, our brain is also able to recall the emotion and body sensations that went with it. 

The smaller the detail the better. Take out your magnifying glass and get into the minutia of the moment. The other day on my morning walk, I rounded a corner and was hit with a warm, radiant sunbeam. I immediately noticed the temperature difference and the brightness, so I stopped, closed my eyes and took in the moment before I carried on with my power walk. As I’m typing this, I can feel that warmth, glow and smile on my face. That’s the power of the detail. 

Contentment and life scarification don’t come from the big moments in life. It’s the accumulation and recognition of those amazing and awe filled micro moments. If I look back in my gratitude journal, it’s been months since I’ve had a big, exciting event or milestone to write down. Yet, I’ve experienced just as much gratitude when I have a day with four tiny things. To be honest, at least once a week I’m grateful to witness a sunbeam that hits my cat just the right way causing her to bask in it‘s glory, while I sit there reveling in the beauty of furballs in perfect lighting. (This one truly never gets old for me).

Don’t get caught up on the idea of journaling and recording it. If you love a good pen and a beautiful journal, by all means, record away. Journaling can be intimidating and some people have preconceived ideas about what it has to be. If that’s you, don’t worry about having a record of your gratitude. Try putting a minute aside before bed to mindfully think about your day and find the highlights. Maybe you prefer to do this in the morning with your coffee. Sometimes my family takes turns sharing awesome things about our day at the dinner table. (Yes, this is my somewhat sneaky way of getting everyone else in my family to practice looking for those small awesome moments.) You could text your gratitude to a friend as a way of being accountable to the practice. There is no ‘right way’ to practice gratitude. The important part is in the doing. 

This weekend, whether you are eating turkey, gathering with people, or reflecting on the continued impact of colonialism, take a minute to experiment with gratitude in a different way. I don’t know about you, but I need all the tiny moments of goodness I can find right now.