Why Men Avoid Therapy and Why It’s Worth Going Anyway

By Chris Graham, Professional Counsellor (MPCC-Provisional) — Centre of Gravity Counselling

The quiet cost of “I’m fine”

Many men grow up learning to take pain on the chin, solve problems alone, and get back to work. Those habits can be useful—until they turn into isolation, sleepless nights, or a short fuse with the people you love. Research shows traditional masculinity norms (like “don’t show weakness”) are linked with lower help-seeking and weaker engagement in treatment. That doesn’t mean masculinity is a problem; it means some inherited rules about it can keep guys from getting the help that works. PubMed+1

What actually stops men from reaching out?

• Stigma & self-reliance. Many men worry that asking for help will be judged—by others or by themselves. Classic work by Addis & Mahalik mapped how masculine role expectations shape help-seeking in men. PubMed
• Not knowing where to start. If you’ve never been to therapy, the process can feel vague or awkward.
• Bad past experiences. If you’ve felt talked down to, you won’t go back.
• Time, money, logistics. Real barriers—especially for men balancing work andfamily. Modern online options and brief therapies can help.Men struggle—often silentlyIn Canada, men account for roughly three-quarters of deaths by suicide each year. That’s not because men are “weaker”—it’s because they’re less likely to seek timely help and more likely to use lethal means when in crisis. Mental Health Commission of Canada+1Men also live with high rates of trauma exposure, and many carry symptoms of PTSD or complex PTSD, sometimes masked as anger, numbing, overwork, or substance use.

Substance use disorders—and related harms—disproportionately affect men. Seeking help earlier lowers risk and improves outcomes. CAMH

Does counselling actually work?

Yes. Decades of meta-analyses show psychotherapy is effective for depression and anxiety and improves quality of life and functioning across age groups. Different therapies (CBT, interpersonal, EMDR-informed work, parts/IFS, etc.) tend to have comparable outcomes when delivered well. In other words, “therapy works,” and there isn’t only one right school of thought. PubMed+2JAMA Network+2

The X-factor: your relationship with the therapist

Here’s the piece many people miss: the working relationship—feeling safe, understood, and aligned on goals—is one of the strongest predictors of therapy success, across all modalities and diagnoses. Large meta-analyses (295+ studies; 30,000+ clients) confirm that a strong early alliance reliably predicts better outcomes. So yes, the method matters—but the fit can matter just as much. PubMed+2Psychotherapy Society+2

What therapy looks like for men (in real life)

• Direct, practical, and collaborative. Clear goals, straight talk, and skills you can use between sessions.
• Strength-based. We work with the parts of masculinity that help (discipline, responsibility, protection) and update the parts that don’t (silence, self- punishment). APA practice guidance encourages culturally sensitive, male-aware care—practical, not preachy. American Psychological Association
• Confidential and focused. Targeted work on sleep, stress, anger, relationships, performance, and purpose.Why men tell me they finally came to counselling
• “I’m tired of carrying this alone.”
• “I’m successful at work, but my relationships are hurting.”
• “I don’t want to be an angry dad.”
• “I need a plan, not platitudes.”

What you can expect to get out of it

• Better stress and mood control. Evidence-based strategies reduce anxiety/irritability and improve focus. JAMA Network
• Fewer risky coping habits. When you have better tools, you need fewer numbing agents. CAMH
• Clearer direction. Values-based work translates to choices you respect when you look in the mirror.
• Stronger relationships. Communicating needs and repairing ruptures gets easier with practice.
• Resilience after trauma. Gradual, well-paced trauma work helps you move from “white-knuckling it” to real recovery.My approach with men (and why it fits)I specialize in working with men and professional pilots via confidential online counselling. We’ll define your goals, choose a pace that fits your life, and use practical methods (CBT, EMDR-informed/parts work, narrative and somatic strategies) to get traction. You’ll leave sessions with tools—not homework for homework’s sake. (More about my approach and fees are on my site.) Centre of Gravity Counselling+2Centre of Gravity Counselling+2If “therapy” feels like a big step, start smallerSome guys prefer to call the first chat a consultation or “coaching-style” conversation. That’s fine. What matters is getting you unstuck. Book a no-charge consultation and we’ll see if the fit feels right—no obligation to continue. Centre of Gravity CounsellingA straightforward invitationIf any of this sounds familiar—short fuse, heavy stress, quiet sadness, over-reliance on work or substances, strain at home—reach out. You don’t have to overhaul your life to start feeling better. One honest conversation can change the trajectory.

I'm just one practitioner. Do some research. Use terms such as counsellor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or counselling therapist. Practitioners titles vary by registration, or licensing and jurisdiction. Find a practitioner listing that resonates with you and reach out and request a consultation or discovery call. Most will offer a 15-20 minute free consult. Find one that resonates for you and give it a try.

A great resource for finding a therapist is https://theralist.ca/. One that is focussed entirely on helping men is https://headsupguys.org/ . I wish you the best on your healing journey, whatever route it may take.

References:

• Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help- seeking. American Psychologist. PubMed
• Flückiger, C., Del Re, A., Wampold, B., & Horvath, A. (2018). The alliance in adult psychotherapy: Meta-analytic synthesis (295 studies). Psychotherapy. PubMed
• Wampold, B. (2015). How important are common factors? (overview). Psychotherapy Bulletin. PMC
• Cuijpers, P., et al. (2020 & 2023). Psychotherapy effectiveness across conditions and QoL. JAMA Psychiatry / J. Affective Disorders. JAMA Network+1
• Government of Canada / MHCC. Men’s suicide burden in Canada (≈75% of deaths). Mental Health Commission of Canada
• Mokhwelepa, L. W., et al. (2025). Traditional masculinity norms & help-seeking. American Journal of Men’s Health. PMC